The 3 Step Guide to Broscience

Sup, bro. Today I’m gonna show you how to do broscience. Let’s get right to it, because I know you bros want this under 500 words.

Step 1: Theory is Everything
Forget about empirics, bro. The key to persuasion is theory. You want to have a theory that uses lots of big words, yet is easy to understand. Check this out.

After your workout, your insulin sensitivity is increased. In the presence of hyperinsulinemic nutrient factors, this causes selective nutrient partitioning by a mechanism called superanabolic glucose uptake in the muscle cell. In plain English, that means your muscles are hungry for energy after your workout, so if you give them lots of high quality energy at this crucial time, this will all go into the muscle instead of being stored as fat.

Boom. You ‘mirin my theory, bro?

Nearly 150 words, I could feel your attention slipping, bro, so I thought I’d show you some of dat ass.

Step 2: Invoke the Power of Research
So now that you have a theory, you need to prove it. I know what you’re thinking, bro, but don’t worry, you won’t need to read any full texts. It’s all about extrapolation. In the example I just gave you, a study showing increased insulin sensitivity in diabetics after walking on a treadmill would be just fine. If you want to prove a supplement works, it’s a good idea to look at short term rat studies first. In vitro research always does well too – you know, with test tubes and dudes in lab coats.

If a Yahoo! search really doesn’t turn up anything, there’s other options, but damn, bro, it’s gonna cost ya. The cheapest option is in-house research, because you don’t need to do any actual research. Still might wanna hire someone to do the write-up to make it look legit. These days though, bro, people are catching on to that shiz, so if you want my advice, I’d go all the way and Cribb it. Pay or lead some scientists at a university to make an actual study.

Step 3: The Magic Words
Now you can say ‘science has proven [whatever you want]’. No need to provide a specific reference, because bros wouldn’t read it anyway.

/discussion

That’s it, bro. The 3 steps to proper broscience that would make even Einstein jelly.